trying

I’ve gone gluten free due to some unexpected circumstances in my life.

Called bloating.

I was enormous.

Like, balance a plate of pizza between your belly and your puppies.

No more.

So far, I’ve lost 5.5 pounds of swell.

In a week.

And surprisingly, I’ve seen this coming and I am on board a million percent.

Because I like to wear my real people pants.

The only thing I miss this week is Chick Fil A. And then all I have to do is ask myself how I feel after I eat one of those, and I just smile and put my nose back on the grindstone.

This is an experiment, just so you know.

I have some other stuff I need to look at as well.

I might be having puppies.

What?

No.

That’s not true.

I already have those.

Forget I said that.

I also mourn Papa John’s.

But it truly is nice to have my life back. And I can see my feet.

*update – I’ve always wanted to asterisk.

This was written last week. I am seeing many differences, from skin to energy.

Now I have to go, because there is lightening I have to watch from my balcony. That happens twice a year in Colorado and I don’t intend to miss it.

3 weeks

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve bared my soul.

I have been bare since then.

You weren’t invited.

So much has happened, it almost hurts.

1. Brad was invited to NYC to a Women in the World conference. I saw many, many famous people. Up close. Like, I pretended to be press and stood next to the photo area, kind of like the red carpet of events. I basically put on my tallest heels (they make me grow a good 5 inches), straightened my spine, walked with purpose and looked no one in particular in the eye. I  saw Madeleine Albright, Gayle King, Angelina Jolie, Dianne Von Furstenburg, Charlie Rose, Ann someone and that other awesome lady from Good Morning America. Or was it the Today Show? Either way, I fell in love with Madeleine and wish she could be President. Also, Angelina’s hands are particularly teeny, very white and a little bit frightening. I wouldn’t say they were the doll hands from SNL but they are way close.

2. I also saw lots of people I love and appreciate more than ever. And NYC makes my heart beat a little differently.

3. I’ve had to go to the doctor lots lately. I will spare you the details.

4. I’m suddenly gluten free. The main word in gluten is glue. Which basically means no more paste for me.

5. Jerry is moving back in. He’s certifiable. Yay.

6. I turned myself in to the Police yesterday. I missed a court date for a dog at large something or other. So there was a warrant for my arrest. I was away when I was scheduled to be there. Apparently, you can’t let your dog run on school property when there is an animal control person present. By the way, those freaks pop out of nowhere. I’m positive they hide in trees.

I did this to spare my children the trauma of an arrest. Although, I would have had to buzz the police up. So, I kind of think I could have been on the lam for a good few months.

Moral of the story.

Never travel.

Here are some pics. I’ve left so much out. Like Vinny the pizza place owner dude. He struck up a conversation with me because I had a red eye. He thought I was high. (I had an eye infection. Shut it. It happens.) I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. I have an autographed menu.

This little guy had a light up collar that I was tempted to take. Ernest, his owner, had flown to Seattle to pick it up. He also feeds his dog steak and eggs. We shared a hug. He gets me.

How can you not like this?

I would have to say that I have nothing to say.

This guy is a saint. And if J.B. Stevens and Joe Yeakley had a baby, this is who it would be.

You would both be proud.

leaping

It’s leap year day, I guess.

Meaning I feel the need to steal the nearest computer and say random crap.

I just got back from Oklahoma. My trip was amazing, thanks for asking.

I bounced off walls. I got way too much sleep. People are nice there. Sonic was majestic. I kind of never want to see a large diet dr. pepper with extra ice ever again. I lie. So much.

I put a Buzz Lightyear in my mom’s fridge before I left.

That’s what happens when you have no one around to boss. You become a freak who might cause heart attacks randomly. What would you do if you opened your fridge and Buzz was doing Zumba in front of you? I don’t really want you to answer that.

Woody is nowhere to be found. We probably sold him at a garage sale. Poor Buzz. No one really wants you.

You’re not huggable.

You’re craggly.

I still appreciate your sarcasm.

I beat Brad’s pinball record on the iPad. In fact, I annihilated it. I ruined my hands. iPads are also craggly. And I feel like when you play pinball, you have to put your back into it.

I just deleted a ton of stuff because my kids told me it was awful. I made the mistake of reading it out loud.

This was the lamest post ever.

You will probably live.

Torrie’s first review

First review written down, that is. She talks non-stop about products and how they compare with natural solutions.

And I just realized her sentences are structured like mine. I didn’t teach her this. I asked her how she thinks while writing. She says she just writes like she would talk anyway.

That’s what I do.

I’m scared.

http://spatasticnight.webs.com/apps/blog/entries/show/11984601-neutrogena-pink-grapefruit-acne-wash-cream-cleanser

She’s so much smarter than me.

Holy Moses

That has always been my favorite phrase. I’m shocked that I haven’t been struck dead. Or been parted.

So, I have an exciting life all of a sudden.

I’m working like crazy.

I get to grocery shop constantly. I need to ebay coupons for highly requested stuff. I’m dreaming about a legion of college peeps as a shopping army.

The word legion makes me think of pigs.

And Liquormart sweetly sets aside 14 papers for me every Sunday. They put a little basket on top of a bundle. A bundle is 14. Weird. Ironic that it’s set aside for  a Sober Home. Cracks me up.

By the way, Liquormart has put in a Redbox. I hugged it hard. People noticed. Stop staring, freaks.

Maybe Redbox just put themselves at Liquormart.

Who cares. Hugs.

Liquormart is across the street.

I hate the word liquor. Too many jokes from childhood. (rubber buns, anyone?) You judge me. You know you do.

Many of you have asked about my new job. I still work almost every day subbing, so my kids are panicked. They don’t like it when I leave, even when they aren’t here. I tell them they’ll bloody well like it when I am able to finally take them on a vacation that doesn’t require sleeping bags and stars. Because I’m British in my head. My accent sucks.  Unless I have liquor.

What?

They’ll get super used to it. Because I’m going back to school to get my teaching certification for CO. I hope to teach full time soon.

Unless before then I start a full time shopping/coupon business.

My original dream is already in the works. I’m in the perfect situation to capitalize on this recession. Yeah, I said capitalize. Because I’m smart. Duh.

I can make a living at saving people money.

In other words, the race is on.

Either way, I win.

Side note:

1.My kids are amazing actors.

2. I’m getting a clothesline. Which makes me giggle. And saves me 40 million dollars a year. I already  hang my clothes everywhere you can imagine. Why not in the sun?

3. My oldest daughter is dating a 24 year old. Brad is hanging out with him right now. That totally weirds me out.

4. I decided to include my beautiful and genius (and obsessed and youngest) daughter on my new website. You will like her way more than me.

5. I want to get a haircut. But I don’t want to pay. I’ve waited 7 months. Ewwww.

6. Pinterest kind of stresses me out. It’s just a new way to fail at being awesome.

7. I like owls. That’s all pinterest may ever know.

8. If I lived in the 70′s, I probably wouldn’t change much.

9. I might go sing karaoke with a new friend who blatantly said she’s not intimidated by my “professional”status. I think I may have more fun than I ever have, ever.

10. I love you.

12

Happy New Year.

I was going to tell you 12 super weird things about myself, but that can wait.

I got a new job. It’s what they call a contractor job for a boys’ sober home. I’ve never been a contractor. And now I want to say something stupid about a hammer.

I will be cutting their food budget in half (at least), shopping for groceries, teaching the boys and staff to coupon to save money, teaching parenting  classes on how to help their young ones not spend their inheritance on mac and cheese or drugs, meeting with presidents and managers of locally owned grocery stores (which gives me a serious buzz) and stocking shelves for their youth day camps. And from the looks of things, I may volunteer to organize their kitchen. Or I may insist.

In other words, I think I’m starting a business. A consulting business on how coupons can change not only an individual’s life, but how they can transform a group home and its individuals. Welcome to dorkville.

Also, my husband got me a website for Christmas. Because he’s practically Jesus.

By the way, my Christmas break was fantastic, thanks for asking. We got the kids what they needed, and decided it was mostly experiences, since not much else will fit in our home. My favorite was Max’s Harlem Globetrotter tickets. Which happens to be on his birthday. Exactly on that day. Which means I may have killed a couple of birds. Except I only save birds.

You’re just mad you didn’t think of it.

One more thing.

A few weeks ago I lost a pretty nice retractable leash in the 90 foot snow. It happens. The snow has finally melted, till tomorrow. I found it today. Which meant I rejoiced greatly in a field.

I also found a really nice pair of Birkenstock sandals, an iPod with headphones attached, a pair of cruddy girl sandals, a sweatshirt, a pair of toddler ear muffs (I tried them on) and a chair.

The iPod didn’t work.

Texts

Brad and I text each other a lot.

A few days ago I read back through some of them.

Here’s a little sample of some texts I’ve received over the last few months.

B: (That stands for Brad. Just thought I’d help you out here.) Having lunch in China Town.

J: (That stands for  Julie. Which is my name) Just got a free sandwich at Chick Fil A.

B: Just left the President.

J: Can you bring me a Hershey bar on your way home?

B: Just ran into Owen Wilson at the elevator.

J: I got the cable dude to reduce our payment by $90!

B: Just bumped into the bass player for Aerosmith. They must be playing here tonight.

J: Walking Avery. Just bumped into a squirrel.

B: Taking Tucker to get his ears pierced.

J: We need to file our taxes.

B: CNN called. They want to fly me to Mexico City to film a raid where they plan to rescue underage children. They’ll use the footage on their final Freedom Project for the year.

J: Still can’t find the car keys.

Here’s one in order:

B: A limo picked me up and took us to the steak house.

J: I heard. Katie told on you already. What is the deal with all of this?

B: No… that was Friday night. This is a different one.

And my personal favorites.

B: Btw… a motto from my host. Go braless…it pulls the wrinkles out of your face.

J: Woah. My phone is drunk.

Okay. That’s enough for today. I have to go not see cool people and not go to dinner in limos.

Wish me luck.

Eggrolls

(I wrote this like a hundred years ago. But then I saw Max’s friend Brandon cooking in my kitchen, and it all came back to me. Poor kid. He makes his own food at my house. What kind of person am I?)

This is about when I made food with Yen.

Yen said she’d be at my house at 10.

Around 11, I called her and asked her if we were still making food happen.

She said yeah, I’ll be there in a few.

Tay had an appointment at a special tooth doctor this day also, at 1:00.

She has a tooth problem. It’s really a big deal.

She has no teeth.

Okay, she has some, but not all.

So we need to get her some.

But I needed to learn to make Vietnamese eggrolls and fat noodles.

So I got into Yen’s car.

And then we started driving away from Boulder. This was completely unexpected. I have no idea why, since I’ve never graced the door of any Asian market, ever.

(Notice they are not called Oriental Markets. I was once told by a sweet Asian friend that Oriental things are rugs, not people. Big no no.)

I asked Yen why we weren’t shopping in Boulder.

She told me that the only place to shop in town had been shut down by the health officials three times, and that she (Yen) was no longer welcome at this shop. She didn’t elaborate. I didn’t ask.

We ended up in Broomfield. I think. (I was texting an incredibly stressed out Brad this whole time arranging for him to take Tay to the tooth doctor. He was greatly displeased but values both eggrolls and Taylor’s face, so he agreed.)

This market was awesome.

I’ve never seen so many colors.

Or dead ducks on hanger things.

Or dough full of stuff I’ve never heard of.

Have I mentioned that the first time I ate Chinese food was in college?

We shopped forever, I got stared at a lot (I was very tall in there), managed to avoid food with legs and I spent only $18 for every ingredient.

This is Yen.

She has 4 boys she is raising alone. Her husband was killed in a car accident the first year we moved to Boulder and I immediately decided we would be friends. Max and her son, Brandon, are best friends, so I guess this was the right call. Her family used to own a restaurant, but she put herself through nursing school. And now she’s my hero.

She also cooks with chopsticks.

I had no idea people did that.

We started with eggrolls.

She threw tons of stuff in a bowl and started mushing it. With her hands.

Fearless.

Then we wrapped the goop. It’s the same as wrapping a burrito, except sideways.

This should be more of a triangle. Whatever.

I employed several children to help. (Brandon was thrilled about this. He’s lactose intolerant. Max lives off of cheese. Brandon was secretly hoping he would have more options when he comes over.)

She fried them with chopsticks. I mean, really.

 

Golden brown. This takes patience.

Then we were on to the noodles. Yen got in her car and said “I’ll be right back.”

Huh?

She lives around the corner. She comes back with a knife. A sharp one.

I only have serrated steak knives to cook with.

Not acceptable.

The woman went home and brought back a knife.

Me: Yen. Did you just go home and get a knife?

Yen: Yeah. Your knives are terrible.

Me: I know.

Yen: Here. Try to cut this chicken with this knife.

Me: Okay.

Yen: You’re terrible.

Me: I know.

Yen: Cut against the grain.

Me: I thought chickens only ate grain?

Yen: What?

Me: Nevermind.

Then we made noodles with onions and other stuff. And then we ate it. It was delicious.

And exhausting.

Yen gave me her knife.

The End.

I observe

Today, I hated the extra hour. I already can’t stand the sun going down. What’s all the freakin rush?

I won a free pizza from Papa John’s and I also have accumulated enough points for 3 free. I’m in gluten heaven.

I might be allergic to gluten. Or I’m just getting fat.

Or something.

I think if I were a sister wife, I’d be on Snapped.

And lots of kids would go missing. Who would notice?

There’s a very weird man who just started parking his RV next door. Every day.   My dog loves him. I’m suspicious.

My husband has gone to Mexico to meet the President and confab about government stuff. Which is cool. And mysterious. And probably dangerous.

I miss that man.

Toddlers and dogs have no idea what time it is.

I might try out for the X Factor. But only after I get toned. Those over 30′s don’t stand a chance this year. And really, neither do I next year. But wouldn’t that be a fun train wreck to watch? I promise to whine a ton. And never wear waterproof mascara. And have a baby right before.

I have a new nickname. It’s Crazy Ellen. This person appears after one too many conversations with teenagers. And one too many. I just decided that was a funny thing to say.

It’s probably not.

Yeah, it is.

It’s only 8.

God help me.

lol…

Okay, this is gonna be quick.

I just found out my 68 year old father thinks lol means lots of love.

So, this means that every time something horrible happens to someone, he lol’s.

Sorry your bike was stolen. lol.

Oh, you broke your face? Praying for you. lol.

Great picture of you and your new girlfriend! lol.

He seriously needs a time out from facebook until he gets this problem squared away.

I kind of wish we hadn’t told him.