This is Tucker Boy’s birthday week.  I mean, the dude was born. That’s a big deal.

So, in honor of a starving 15 year old to be, I have some ideas on how on earth to satiate the biggest appetite I’ve seen in years, months, decades, and years. I think it all goes straight to his pecs. Punk.

Can I make a quick suggestion? I suggest you adopt a coupon email address. Where all of your signed up for goodies go to live in peace until you decide they are worthy. Where they will steer clear of your library circulation notices and your forwards from Aunt Betty. Consider it your freebie Utopia. You will thank me later and send me love letters.

And now it’s time to put on your fat pants. Here we go.

Holy cow. These people mean business. You get to sign yourself up, and THEN you get to sign your kids up for their birthday. And did you know that after you stuff yourself full of happy face pancakes, you can tell them it’s your kid’s birthday, and they’ll bring you an ice cream sundae? At 6:47 in the morning? And then you get to drop them off at school? Best parent ever.

Noodles and Co.
After you go blind from your morning carbs, you’ll need more carbs. Noodles and Co. have some of those.
And they adore you, so they want to give you a free noodle bowl that day. You’re welcome.

Sign up for their email list, and you’ll get a free chips and queso. This will help with the coma.

Ben and Jerry’s
It’s called ChunkMail. What do you want from me?

Dairy Queen

You’ll get a monthly offer and coupon. And on your birthday? A free Blizzard. (I feel woozy.)

Honorable mentions that will come in handy eventually:

Tokyo Joes
You have to be an addict to sign up. They will give you a fob that you can pick up at your local restaurant. This will sign you up for possible free lunches (they choose 3 a day, every day and it’s placed on a calendar on their website) and specials through email that only your fob knows about.

Chik Fil A
It’s a privilege to know you, Chik Fil A.

Treats on your birthday. And other times. I love Sonic.

And there you have it. Oh, and click on the yellow underlined highlighted names of the restaurants. It’ll save you on postage.

I am no longer responsible for you.