I am writing this through the fog and stupor that comes from eating a breakfast of pecan pie, pumpkin pie (both with homemade whipped cream that Torrie made with our neighbor, Ann) and leftover cranberry pomegranate sauce which, in my opinion, should be made daily and eaten with whatever you can find.

Yesterday went well, I think. I had things under control and ready to go in a timeline. Not an actually actual written down timeline. Just the one in my head.

Yes, I know how real cooks do it.

Thank you for your concern.

By 10:15 a.m. I was sitting in the hot tub with my family. I have no reason to lie to you.  My neighbor Ann called to confirm our dinner time.

Ann: So, how’s it going? What are you up to?

Me: Well . (pause pause pause) Actually, I’m sitting in the hot tub.

Ann: You’re what?

Me: I’m sitting in the hot tub. I have most of the food ready. Oh, and by the way, we’re eating here instead of at Edna’s. (Not sure when I was going to get around to letting her in on that little detail.) What are you up to?

Ann: I’m finishing up the pecan pie and next I’m putting in the pumpkin pie. (pause) Are you really in the hot tub?

Me: Yep.

Ann: I so have to go call my  sister and tell her that. She’s slaving away over a hot stove.  See you soon.

Me: Yep, soon.

11:00 a.m. Dressed and ready to go.   How long can it really take to put on fat pants?

Time to finish up making stuff. Can’t find my big big bowl. Where in the world is my big big bowl?

Oh yeah. Torrie gave Tucker and Max manicures and pedicures yesterday.

Yes, I’m very aware of what I just said. She likes to soak the hands and the feet in the big big bowl.

It’s upstairs.

Okay, so now where is a brillo pad and anything I can find to clean this thing that will stop just short of melting away the big big bowl?

I will not now nor ever tell what was prepared in that big big bowl.

1:00 Finishing up mashed potatoes. Brad decides to clean the completely unnecessary and stupidly unreachable ledge in our house. With a huge ladder. And a vacuum cleaner. And his mother.

2:30 Dinner is served.

2:49 Dinner is eaten.

3:00 Boys are wrestling, Torrie is laying down reading, pie is being served, I am bragging about how somehow after all these years, my boys have never really broken anything in the house. They are always just so aware and respectful.

3:52 Boys are vacuuming the shards from a broken vase.

5:30 Sleepy guests are packing up.

6:45 Home from delivering food to a good friend. Kitchen is spotless because I totally married the right man.

7:30 In bed with the family watching Toy Story 3 for the first time.

7:44 Terrorized completely by the big freaky bouncer baby.

8:4ish Trembling lip over no longer freaky bouncer baby who just WANTS HIS MAMA!

9:00ish Trembling lip gives way to full on sobs. Who does this to people? Andy, don’t leeeaaave! Seriously, who does this to people?

9:08 Kick kids out of the room for making fun of me.

9:39 Go into a turkey coma. At least that’s what they tell me.

9:34 a.m. Successfully avoiding Black Friday. Which makes no sense because I value deals like no other.

I just value my sanity more.

Time to go sit in the hot tub.