Today, my gorgeous firstborn child turns 18.

She’s very excited because she can now legally order a midget online if she wants to.

Nothing she ever does surprises me.

She almost talked me into matching tattoos after she had polled every employee at Rio Grande. I’m glad we were both broke.

We got her a bike for her birthday.

Okay, technically we found a bike and put a basket on it.

Not really.

Okay, that is totally what happened.

When we moved into this place, there was a bevy of bikes parked in the bike rack.

There was also a very strange man living in Apt. 2 named Jerry who had a dog who liked to relieve itself on everyone’s doorsteps. It once wandered into my house and took a leak on my floor. So I killed it.

Anyway, Jerry is an excellent source of information. I’d talk to him while he was hosing down everyone’s front porches. At least I’d try to. He would start to answer a question and then yell, “I don’t have time for this!”

I exaggerate not.

Then in a fit of rage he’d start screeching about how there were abandoned bikes in our bike rack and someone needs to get them out of here but first they needed to call the Police to see if they were stolen and then he would disappear back into his house and shut his blinds.

Jerry moved to New York.

I miss him.

Anyway, that is how Taylor’s bike came to be. We got her a new seat and filled up the tires. It’s in incredible shape.

Of course she had to publicly torture me by standing in the courtyard and asking (her voice is like a megaphone) how on earth an abandoned bike is a birthday present. I totally heard one of my neighbors giggle.

She has a point.

She also has a bike with a basket and a bell.

And free room and board. So shut it.

Now I have to tell you about the weird things that happened today.

1. I woke up with a uncontrollable desire to run the stairs at the high school stadium. Like the old days. When I could actually make it up the stairs. I’m going back tomorrow and I might even throw in a lap around the track. Like the old days. I think it’s because we can see the lights and hear the football game announced and the marching band on Friday nights. Or it could be that I want my butt back.

2. On my way to the stadium, I saw a plastic bag right in the middle of the path. I was going to pick it up and move it, but it moved first. There was a damaged pigeon in there. I took her to the animal hospital across the street from us. Yes, we have a vet across the street. It is weird to hand a bag with a bird in it to a receptionist. ┬áThis is officially the third time I’ve taken a bird to the hospital. It is my calling.

3. I did my hair.

4. My neighbors noticed.

5. Brad went to a meeting this afternoon with an advertising team for Ron Zacapa rum. Who does that?

Below is only one example of how truthful I am. This was posted by Marton, who lives in Apt. 4.

You really can trust me.