Archive for October, 2011

lol…

Okay, this is gonna be quick.

I just found out my 68 year old father thinks lol means lots of love.

So, this means that every time something horrible happens to someone, he lol’s.

Sorry your bike was stolen. lol.

Oh, you broke your face? Praying for you. lol.

Great picture of you and your new girlfriend! lol.

He seriously needs a time out from facebook until he gets this problem squared away.

I kind of wish we hadn’t told him.

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Well…

1. I woke up at 3:33 this morning to take my dog out. My husband was missing.

2. I went back to bed.

3. This is normal. He disappears often. I’m pretty sure he’s in North Carolina.

4. My parents finally showed up.

5. My dad went to bed before my mom. I’ve never actually seen that happen.

6. I love that you are reading about absolutely nothing.

7. I have to sleep with Taylor for the next few days.

8. That is iffy.

9. FACT: I was fallen on by a very large drunk man this week.

10. FACT: I was almost run over by a very drunk bike rider this week.

11. FACT: I was nearly (this week) ended by a very apologetic, very bad driver on Spruce and Broadway. She apologized by hanging out of her window and making lots of hand signals and shaking her head a lot and saying she was sorry. Very unusual.

12. FACT: I was flipped off royally by some dude because I went the speed limit. He had a very bad manicure.

13. I disobeyed the law (this week) and let my dog run wild in a fenced in area. The last time I did this, I got a warning. The time before that, I got a warning. Because I changed my name and my address and spoke in an incoherent accent. Because that’s funny.

14. In Oklahoma, you let your dog run wild in a fenced area. In Boulder, you pay for it. So I could seriously care less.

15. My mommy and daddy are here.

26. I told Taylor I was sleeping on her side. She said ok.

I have to go now.

I love you.

Transplant

I met someone today.

It was serendipitous.

Which totally sucks because I wanted to be in NYC with my son while he was turning 16, but apparently that’s a Brad role that I can’t play. Which is true, because I would have camped outside of Dylan’s candy store and sworn that all other bits of the city were made up. Except Jay Z. You can’t fake that.

And subways scare me pointless.

Unless Brad’s with me.

Serendipity is a movie, by the way, and also a place with hot chocolate in the winter and magic in the air.

Anyway, I met a mom that just moved to Boulder today.

She didn’t move here today. She moved here a month ago.

I met her today.

She’s 9 feet tall exactly, but on the phone, she’s sizeless.

That happens you know.

Within 4 minutes of meeting her, I was hugging her.

Moving to Boulder is difficult.

Family is gone.

Finances are hilarious.

People can’t drive. And then they yell that you can’t drive. So I run over them.

Everyone has a master’s degree.

Everyone’s mom got a doctorate. Last week.

Actually, Brad’s mom Edna did. Congrats.

She got 2.

She’s insane.

I hate learning.

My heart went flying out of me to this new Boulderite.

It’s a long story.

One worth telling.

In the long run.

Anyway, be nice to the new kids.

You could be hugging me.

Funerals

As most of you know, our Grandma B passed away a few weeks ago. She was 2 weeks shy of her 90th birthday. She’s actually Brad’s grandma, but we all claim her. She was sweet and precious and we will miss her very much.

Brad, Edna and I traveled to Oklahoma so we could be with family and attend her funeral. I think we drove 2,000 miles in 72 hours. Well, Brad and I did. I don’t let Edna drive. Nothing personal other than the fact that I’d like to live.

People always ask me to sing at funerals.

I don’t always like it.

Weddings aren’t so bad. I sang at 12 weddings one summer a while back. I’m pretty sure I sang From This Moment (Shania Twain) at all of them except one. That was the one where I sang A Whole New World from Alladin.

Here are some other little known facts that you should know.

1. When we lived in Kansas City, I was hired by a funeral home to sing for families who wanted live music. Basically, you stand behind a big curtain with the organist and sing into a thousand year old sound system. Mostly hymns and the occasional Cher song.

2. I once sang at a grave site for a dog. I had a friend who befriended an older man who died and had no family, so my friend arranged a funeral for him. His only surviving relative was his dog. So I sang to it.

3. I had a very strange thought process concerning what I’d like to happen if I keel over unexpectedly. I decided I’d like to be cremated and put into a fancy urn which will sit in the living room. Then, when Brad goes, I’d like for him to be cremated and mixed in with my ashes. I’m sure my ashes will be smaller, so you can tell us apart. But then I got scared and thought what if the rapture happens and our body parts get all swirled together and I end up with Brad’s legs or arms… or worse. So now I’d like to be stuffed and hung over the mantle. Thank you.

4. I think I just offended myself.

That’s all for now…

This Morning

This morning suckethed much.

I was supposed to sleep in till 8. On Wednesdays, my kids don’t go to school until lunchtime-ish. For real.  Tuck goes at 9ish and Torrie and Max go at 9:55.

Here’s how it really went.

1. 3:30 a.m. – Avery needs to go out. Brad rolls over and incredulates at this. I think I just made up a word. He incredulates so long I get up and fall down two flights of stairs to let the little diva out. (I didn’t  fall, but stumble seems to0 dumb.) I’m pretty sure I said some mean crap to both of them.

2. 7:04. I wake up to showers, music and Taylor. That girl is loud. And funny. But so loud.

3. I go ahead and get dressed. I can feel it all coming. I look smokin’.

4. 7:48 Brad leaves with Tay to go to court. (She sped through a school zone. $300 fine.)  Must beg.

4. 8:05 Math with Max. That boy did 4 pages in 12 minutes. Mental Math. He’s a freak.

5. Brad calls. Fine reduced. (Just so happens to be friends with judge. Weird.)

6. Tay calls. Bank account depleted. School payment/ all of this new crap.

7. Duh.

8. Brad comes home. Can you proofread this? It needs to go to print.

9. Fetal position.

10. Take Tay through her bank account. Show her how buying coffee everyday can ruin your life, even if it is at the Shell station.

11. She incredulates.

12. Get a call from BVSD. I take a job for an hour from now.

13. Forgot to mention – Torrie has a fever of 100 or so. She’s home all day.

14. Run 3 errands. Very well.

15. Go to work to find no plans, fix that problem, teacher visits (with strep), leaves me with plans and hires me for tomorrow. Because I can sing a song that Stevie Wonder could sight read.

16. Coupon for 20 minutes. At school. In an airplane hanger.

17. Leave school to grocery shop for 2 hours.

18. Hide from someone at store. Long story. I’m sure I’ll tell it. Eventually.

Tomorrow, I walk to school from here.

Which is incredible.

Because my tire is flat.

(I forgot to tell you about the garbage disposal incident and the bike incident. Too late now.)